触电

E：风走在我们前面
   甩裙摆画着圆圈
   花美得兴高采烈
   那香味有点阴险

S：你在我旁边的旁边
   但影子却肩碰肩
   偷看一眼
   你的唇边
   是不是也有笑意明显

H：明明是昨天的事情
   怎么今天我还在经历
   一丁点回忆都能惊天又动地
E：想问个愚蠢问题
   我们再这样下去
   你猜会走到哪里

H：但请你不要太快揭开还沉默的情话
   先让我多着急一下再终于等到解答
S：太容易的爱故事就不耐人回味啦
   像这样触电
   就够我快乐熔化

E：我们就耐心培养萌芽不要急着开花
   反正有长长的日记等我们去填满它
H：在被全世界发现以前先愉快装傻
   就这样触电
   一直甜蜜触电
   直到爆炸

E：像一年四个季节
   都被你变成夏天
   我才会在你面前
   总是被晒红了脸

H：像一百万个秋千
   在我心里面叛变
   被你指尖
   碰到指尖
   我瞬间就被荡到天边

You realise how much you love when you see how easily you forgive.

I asked my housemate to help me to get the student’s movie ticket from Monash University, so I can get cheap discounted ticket for the movie tomorrow.

Given that I am on the budget, it is of relative importance.

He forgot to get it.

When he told me he forgot, initially I thought he was kidding, but he wasn’t.

I am so surprised because I wasn’t angry at him AT ALL.

It’s like I have NO ANGER in me at all.

Nothing to dissolve, nothing to forgive, I just said it’s ok.

He tried to make it up to me by suggesting a few possible options, but I told him it’s fine.

Because it’s really fine.

That’s when I realise I do love him a lot, as a friend/brother.

That’s when I realise how much our parents love us.

How hard is it to not get mad at all, and have no anger, and just forgiveness? Our parents do that to us since we were born, all the time when we make all sorts of mistakes.

How much love does it take? A lot.

I am so happy for myself, because I am able to have compassion and love.

The whole energy in me is just so positive, it is incredible.

Tissue paper

Li Da Ren,

I am just your tissue paper. Always there, waiting to be used. Sincerely and genuinely cared when being used. Thrown away when soaked.

I should have just walked away, after what you did. After how selfish you have been, after I’ve seen how much you just don’t care.

Why am I still there for you when you need someone?

Maybe I just can’t help it. Because I care about you.

So even if I am already wounded, I will still take care of you and make sure you are ok.

Or maybe because to you I am not blue, to you I am violet.

Unconditional love.

花开堪折直须折，莫待无花空折枝

I dreamt of him again. So sad it’s just a dream.

Anyway, that’s not the point.

我觉得我内心的漩涡慢慢平息了。

再多人跟我说都没用，因为我根本没有听进去。

但是，现在是我自己告诉自己，慢慢发觉了。一小部分的我很不愿意承认，很希望继续在漩涡里盘旋，但是很大部分的我觉醒了。

我们只是朋友。

不管以后如何，不管之前举动，互动，多么奇怪，总之我们现在就是朋友。

越多男生约我出来，我就越清楚。

其实，女人的直觉很准的。一个男生喜欢你，不管他再怎么厉害，你都会有那个感觉。男生一定会有所举动。如果他没有动作，我还能说什么呢？

为什么要替他找借口？I am better than this.

就算他fits in perfectly to what I am looking for, 又怎样。我又不能强求。而且，又不是只有他一个，我还会遇到别人。

所以，就这样吧。

我们应该可以做好朋友。

一念執著

一眼之念 一念執著
注定就此飛蛾扑火
明知是禍 為何還不知所措
最好不見 最好不念
如此才可不与你相戀
多一步的擦肩 就步步淪陷
是時間的過錯 讓我們只能錯過
我多想念 你多遙遠
早知道是苦果 這一刻也不想逃脫
可惜這字眼太刺眼
兩個世界之后
只好 情深緣淺

I feel the lyrics so, so deeply.

I

I am impatient. I hate waiting for things to happen. I dislike waiting. I don’t like the uncertainties. I want to be in control. But I don’t want to know exactly what is going to happen. I hate being at grey zones. I don’t want it to be either black or white. I don’t want to know. I want to know, only if the result is favourable. I don’t really know what is truly favourable. If I get a favourable result now it will only be short term. I don’t mind short term. But I don’t want to get hurt. I might want long term. But I don’t want to wait. But I have made a decision which directly impacts on the fact that I will have to wait. I need to make that decision.

So annoying.

Whatthehellisgoingon?!

Whatareyoutryingtodo?!

Youaredrivingmeinsane.

To protect myself, maybe I will choose not to care. Maybe I will just escape. Maybe I will just use my shield and mask myself. Maybe I can find another person with similar vision, beliefs and dream. Maybe I can find another person who would be so biased and always speaking for me. Maybe I can find another person who is as confident, as smart, as charming, as funny, as humorous.

I am so scared. I can’t continue on like this.

I don’t even know what is the best. I don’t even know what I want. I want things to happen immediately, I want things to end fast. But I don’t want things to end fast, so I can’t want things to happen immediately. But I want things to happen. But I am scared if things happen it will impact on my other decisions. I don’t want anything to affect my other decisions. If things happen I will carry a burden leaving the country. I don’t want any burden. That is exactly the reason I choose to leave, to live my life as whoever I want to be, for half a year.

I = contradiction.

I = lost.

I = helpless.

Pretty sure I don’t even feel THAT much for you…

But I still feel very deeply for this song. To the point that I would feel like crying listening to myself singing this song (or maybe because I sounded quite bad?)

Joyce told me I sang this song so so so so nicely. 

Too bad, no matter what, I am too chicken to be the moth that jumps right into the fire. Maybe no one is worth it, and the one who is worth it, won’t make me jump into the fire.

Perhaps I should just be grateful for what I have now, since I already know if I get what I want, it won’t exactly be what I want, and sooner or later, it will become what I don’t want.

Call me stupid, but sometimes without actually falling, I just can’t be sure of how painful it feels.

歌曲：洋葱 

如果你眼神能够为我 
片刻的降临 
如果你能听到 
心碎的声音 

沉默的守护著你 
沉默的等奇迹 
沉默的让自己 
像是空气 

大家都吃著聊著笑著 
今晚多开心 
最角落里的我 
笑得多合群 
盘底的洋葱像我 
永远是调味品 

偷偷的看著你 
偷偷的隐藏著自己 

如果你愿意一层一层一层的剥开我的心 
你会发现你会讶异 
你是我最压抑 
最深处的秘密 

如果你愿意一层一层一层的剥开我的心 
你会鼻酸你会流泪 
只要你能听到我 
看到我的全心全意 

听你说你和你的他们 
暧昧的空气 
我和我的绝望 
装得很风趣 
我就样一颗洋葱 
永远是配角戏 

多希望能与你有一秒 
专属的剧情

You owe me an apology.

Just felt a bit emotional listening to this song.

Anthony Neely – Sorry that I loved you.

 

For all of the time that i tried for your smile
For making you think that i was worth the while
So your love love love love love would be mine
For sending you flowers and holding your hand
That no one was there to take a stand
But then love love love made us blind

And I'm so sorry that I hurt you
Sorry that I fell through
Sorry i was falling in love with you
I'm sorry that it came true
But sorry doesn't turn back time
For all that i have done to you
I wish that i could make it right
So sorry that i loved you
Sorry that i needed you
Sorry that i hold you tight

And I'm So sorry for...
Making you love me and saying goodbye
For being the one that taught you how to cry
It was love love love and it passed us by
For giving you every thing that you dreamed
For taking it back when i fled the scene
sorry love,for wasting your time

And apology now after all of this time
Won't make my difference tonight
But I'm hoping I'm Sorry will open your mind
To love love love love in your life

Sorry that i loved you

If this was a movie

Everyone enters your life for a reason, for a good reason. Some to teach you lessons, some to change you in some ways, some to leave memories, some to make you realise you have certain qualities in you.

No matter how angry I am, thank you for entering my life. Thank you for leaving some memories. I had fun.

Most importantly, I realised, maybe you are in my life to show me that I don’t like the other guy, and we should always be friend, or that he will always be my dearest brother.

Thank you for making me realise I will never want that friend to be my bf because no matter how much unconditional love I have for him, no matter how much chemistry I felt, and still feel sometimes, I wouldn’t want it to happen.

I was lost, for many periods of time, just wondering if I would regret. Thank you for entering my life, and making an impact at certain times, and making me realise that I won’t regret if me and him are friends forever. Because it will always be beautiful. If I KNOW we will not end well, we might as well be friends forever. Very close friends, forever.

Thank you for making me realise the difference between couples, and siblings. I always wanted to have a brother, and at times maybe the urge is so strong it feels like the romantic love (sounds incestuous and wrong). Haha.

…but, I still wonder, is this the only impact you are going to make in my life?

***

Last night I heard my own heart beating
Sounded like footsteps on my stairs
Six months gone and I'm still reaching
Even though I know you're not there
I was playing back a thousand memories, baby
Thinkin' 'bout everythin' we've been through
Maybe I've been goin' back too much lately
When time stood still and I had you
Come back, come back, come back to me like
You would, you would if this was a movie
Stand in the rain outside
'Til I came out
Come back, come back, come back to me like
You could, you could if you just said you're sorry
I know that we could work it out somehow
But if this was a movie you'd be here by now

I know people change and these things happen
But I remember how it was back then
Locked up in your arms and our friends were laughing
'Cause nothing like this ever happened to them
Now, I'm pacing down the hall, chasing down your street
Flashback to the night when you said to me
"Nothing's gonna change, not for me and you "
Not before I knew how much I had to lose

If you're out there, if you're somewhere, if you're moving on
I've be waiting for you ever since you've been gone
I just want it back the way it was before
And I just wanna see you back at my front door
And I say come back, come back, come back to me like
You would before you said it's not that easy
Before the fight, before I locked you out
But I'd take it all back now

It's not the kind of ending you wanna see now
Baby, what about the ending?
Oh, I thought you'd be here by now
That you'd be here by now

Harmony

I remember last time, no matter what I decide to do, there’s always this huge conflict between my mind and heart. They never agree with each other, and at the end one of them always gets hurt.

I just realised yesterday, that since when are they not in conflict anymore? Never anymore.

Is it after I took CV3?

Maybe because my heart and my mind loves each other. They have understood and mastered ‘to love is to let go’.

When my heart wants to do something really really stupid. Instead of just going ahead, it will honour and respect the mind’s opinion, and pull back.

But when my heart wants to do something really really badly, even when the mind does not agree and thinks it is too risky, it will not just blindly try to protect the heart. It understands to love is to let go, and the heart has to learn from its mistakes. It will allow the heart to experience, and live life.

Agree to disagee, but still giving the other one a lot of freedom and respect. No judgments.

Maybe because both of them want to live life to the fullest and experience everything before they have to be part of a disciplined, systematic, confident young lawyer.

Because the mind gives the heart so much freedom now, the impact is also stronger when the mind really warns the heart, and really advising it to think twice. The heart will listen, because ultimately it is not about blindly protecting it from being hurt. It is about being aligned with dreams, hopes, aims, future. All of which there was never any conflict between the two.

I really love it like this. I am so glad they have been working in peace, and sorry it took me so long to realise.

***

A sidenote (which is longer than the original post, HAHA) ..

I think life is treating me very well. Some challenges, a lot of rewards later.

I am a bit worried about being so selfish like this.

My heart and mind seem to be going after something that is not normal, not typical, not average.

Is that really ok? At so many people’s expense?

A great person told me, that because I have huge aims and dreams, everyone in the universe will feel it, and will go out of the way to help me.

But this time, it is really a personal satisfaction and life experience.

It is my personal preference and selfishness that induces me to want to make such a decision. It does not help my future at all.

But this is what my heart and mind really wants.

Whenever I am in a state of confusion, I remember the scene we practiced in CV1. Imagine your 10 year older self, and your 10 year younger self. What would they say to you now?

When I was 19 that time, my 10 year younger self does not know anything. My 10 year older self thank the 19 year old for striving so hard, for being so successful, for being stubborn and persistent.

I did that again yesterday.

I am now 21. My 10 year younger self still doesn’t know anything, just pleasantly surprised that 10 years later, I will be at this level.

My 10 year older self wants to tell the 21 year old lady, that life will work out. She wants to give the lady a pat, and asks her to slow down, enjoy life, before she takes on more responsibilities from the world. She wants her to be selfish once, live life, just enjoy it. She wants her to stop worrying about the future and stop carrying those burdens. She wants her to not just work hard, but play hard too. Because you are only in university once. This is the time of your life. You missed your teenage years trying to achieve things that no one can achieve. Yes, it was amazing experience, it was great. But to make up for it, maybe you want to try to live life, and loosen up now? Be care free for once, before you can’t anymore.

This also reflected what the managing partner in the law firm told me. He is the one who changed my life. Before I left Brunei this year, he told me not to be 200 year-old. Don’t be so mature. Enjoy life, have fun.

You’d think a partner will ask you to work as hard as possible and have no life, but good grades. But he is not like that. I really appreciate the fact that he cares about me as a person, cares about my welfare and really wants the best for me.

Often I look at the people around me, how they can play so hard like there is no tomorrow. How they can be so carefree? I want to be like that too.

BUT – there’s a condition that the mind and heart give each other. I can only be so selfish IF I am actually going to live life to the fullest. ONLY if I really can go out of my comfort zone. Only IF life is going to be exciting and this experience will bring great memories.

IF I am only going to live a normal life, then I should just focus on my goals and dreams, because it won’t be worth it.

So yes, both of them agree, that I deserve this wild time, ONLY if it will be wild. ONLY if I will really loosen up, be care free, be awesome. Not uptight, systematic, rational like this.

So, I will soon test myself to find out how much I can really switch into the care-free mode. And if both of mind and heart are satisfied that I can, then off I will go. :D

I admit I am scared.

Moth always hops into the fire. I know I can be a moth. I am scared of the moth in me. I don’t want to hop into the fire anymore.

I don’t want to spend days being upset about something. I don’t want to spend nights feeling vexed and disappointed.

So I don’t want to be a moth anymore.

I am not a pessimist. But I do need a lot of proof from people. I don’t like mixed signals. I operate in black or white.

I am scared of the grey, because I don’t want to misinterpret, have hopes, have fears, and hops into the fire, and die.

So, I guess that’s it.

I still had a wonderful time. Not all stories need to have a good or bad ending. Sometimes all you can get is a dream. A dream with ups and downs, and just when you want to see what is going to happen, it vanishes, you wake up.

It’s not the best. It’s worse than a fairy-tale good ending, but it is better than a bad ending.

I want to fly into the fire, I really want to.

But I am scared.

So I choose to be a coward.

So unlike me. But I guess I don’t have a choice. I am too scared to risk letting my emotions leak again. I know how bad it could get. I will just into the fire and die happily. And I might wake up just to realise that I am still alive, but full of scars, seriously injured, and I will have to wait for the wounds to heal.

It’s too scary. So I will 悬崖勒马.

“Hope is the only thing stronger than fear.” Have I lost hope? Maybe I just don’t have enough evidence to tell myself I can hope.

I operate in black/white. Grey info is too vague, I don’t know how to take the messages in.

Mind games

Do you like to play mind games?

A lot of girls do, normally during their teenage years. They are insecure, scared, and wants to feel assured before they commit.

Some guys do too, maybe because they are players, or they have commitment issues but still want to flirt around.

I don’t really play mind games with flings.

How good are you at that game?

I would say I can be very good – consultant level, because I do remember a lot of occasions when I advised my friends on what they should do, etc.

I would also say I am very bad – because I am bad at playing it when I am involved. I know whoever cares first will lose in this game, but I am just not an emotionless person. I care about people. If I don’t care about them at the first place, I wouldn’t even waste my energy in playing that game. So, maybe this means I am always going to lose?

So should you play mind games?

Is he worth my effort, and all the investment to play this game? Or rather, can I keep or diminish all my emotions so I can play this game effortlessly. And what is the point then? Winning, but not winning? 

Happiness is within ourselves.

I expect so much from some people that I am making myself unhappy.

Despite that I can feel that things have changed, but the fact that I am so insecure and scared makes me doubt and speculate and wonder what is going on, instead of just fully appreciating the positive changes.

I mean, I am happy and glad that all these things happen, at the same time I kind of wish I can have a clearer indication of the rationale behind all these changes, but who am I to demand such explanations?

I should just be happy, and not take all these things too seriously.

I need to stop being so paranoid and analytical.

Smallest things the person does is capable of making such a huge impact to my mood, therefore, any small things can affect me in a negative way too. I thought of not caring, as if i choose not to care, then I won’t be impacted negatively by any actions or omissions. But is disconnecting myself really the key to happiness?

I am so afraid to be hurt that I choose not to be loved. Is this really how I can be happy?

I shouldn’t disconnect myself. I know it is hard, but the way to do it would be still care as much, and appreciate more, but don’t make assumptions and don’t have expectations.

Why am I so dumb? How can I let anyone rule my emotions like this?

Who are you to do this to me? No one is worthy of this level of emotions.

你生命中的李大仁

我可能不会爱你。

我不可能爱你。

我不能爱你。

***

有没有想过，如果有一天，你爱上你的好朋友，会怎样呢？

如果知道不适合，还是不要放纵自己吧。 如果觉得撑不过两个月，还在一起，分手过后，应该不可能可以还做好朋友。

不值得。

Am I fake?

I went back to YCLL to do my attachment, and because two of the partners had stuff for me to research on, I decided to voluntarily stay back. Not to impress or show anyone, I know they know I am good. But I don’t. Sometimes I wonder if I am as good as everyone thinks I am. So I wanted to prove to myself that I am not bad.

I stayed from 5pm till 8pm, still sorting out stuff.

I am so glad that there was a nice lawyer who gave me a lot of guidance in how to search through the library of books. I am so glad that I have a chance to do attachment in Brunei first, where everyone is kind and nice, before venturing into Australian market.

Anyway, I had one of my most valuable and insightful day today.

The managing partner’s secretary came and talk to me, and I asked her about the cases and told her some of my opinions which are different from the boss’s, and said I will tell him tomorrow when I sort out my thoughts.

She told me I have matured a lot since 2 years ago.

I was quite surprised to hear that. I mean, aside from the growing legal knowledge (which is supposed to happen since I am studying law) I don’t really think much have changed. I mean I was already super efficient last time.

She told me I am very reserved now, and I used to be very very bubbly and carefree. She started working during one of my last days, and she was my secret santa for our Christmas gift-exchanging event.

She told me she didn’t know me at all, and when she asked around what I like, everyone told her I love pink stuff, so she got me a pink handbag. She told me I was so happy and I was really really eager to find out who was my secret santa, to the extent that I wrote out all the names of the staff working at YCLL (a lot of them), and asked them one by one to tell me who their partner was, to cancel off my list until she was the only one left.

I was so bubbly and carefree then… Always cheerful at work, being ‘human’, procrastinating, dreaming about stuff.

It is my third day at work today, and I don’t know why I just don’t have the mood to mess around, I am just very occupied and just keep doing stuff. Even lunch time, I’d rather spend lunch doing more research than to go out and waste the whole 1.5 hours and come back feeling sleepy because I ate too full.

Anyway, I am just quite surprised that I paid full attention to work. This rarely happens, I always multitask a lot and think about many things at once, and these 3 days there’s nothing but work in my mind.

Maybe I am really enjoying this.

Anyway, I told her about life in Melbourne. How everyone in law school is quite smart, or act quite smart, and many of them are quite snobbish, or egoistic.

I also told her about how some people would just generalise me as a Chinese mainlander, just because I look like an Asian, and how I always feel like I have to prove myself to them.

She told me I don’t need to prove to anyone.

I know I don’t. I just don’t know why I care so much about how others look at me. I just don’t want people to look down on me.

I told her that Asians are quite quiet in law school, and I want to make sure if I do speak I will give constructive comments / ask smart questions, instead of just making a fool out of myself for the sake of speaking and ‘participating’.

She told me that is what I am doing now. Doing my own stuff and only answering and talking really constructive and formal stuff. Only smile and nod unlike last time I would laugh.

Am I becoming a robot?

Am I becoming fake?

She said maybe I am so used to be strong, look strong, and put on a mask, that the mask is slowly becoming me.

Is that true?

Only my close friends know I like pink now. My room is still pink, but I won’t have any pink stuff with me when I go out, especially not to law school. Am I embarrassed of my bubbly and cheerful self? I don’t think so. I just think it won’t fit into the whole law picture.

I mean I am still happy.

I thought I am still bubbly…? But come to think about it, it has been 2 years since anyone used the word ‘bubbly’ on me.

And 2 years ago, if I hate/dislike someone I will say it right in front of them, or make it really clear so we won’t cross path anymore. Now, I am on very good terms with everyone in Melbourne, regardless of whether I like them or not, just because I feel like I never know if I am speaking to a future judge, or something like that. I dare not make enemies or cut ties.

Even when I am back in Brunei, the people I used to despise, I can now face them without any emotions at all. I still remember what they did to me, but I just can’t feel it anymore. I can talk to them as if nothing has ever happened and we are acquaintances who barely know each other.

Isn’t this amazing in a way, that my heart is being so obedient, listening to my rational brain? I like the harmonisation.

But preferably I don’t wanna be a fake person…

To explain this in a positive light, maybe being mature means I don’t hold grudges, I am a better person so I forgive entirely, to the extent I am able to deal with that person at complete ease.

:)

Well one can’t be bubbly forever right? I am already 21. 

I miss all of us together..

Joshua and Jeremy just left, and I feel so empty again.

I might be over-reacting, but thinking about our memories together made me started crying and I just cant stop crying every time I think about it.

I don’t know how close we are, I don’t know how much we love each other, but to me, they are already a part of my life, they are something beyond friends. It’s just like your phone, your wallet, your air, something you are so used to, someone you just cannot picture living without.

They have made my 2011 a very memorable one.

These few days of spending time together again just made me realise how much I haven’t been appreciating the times when we were housemates.

I mean, these few days, I feel at bliss when I wake up, despite the not-enough-sleep and nightmares, just because I know after I shower, I will meet them and we will just spend time together again.

Spending time together, just being at the same ‘place’, is what I have for the past year. I mean for the past year I do really like to be at home and around them, so I wouldn’t say I have taken anyone for granted, but those happy moments when I feel like they are my family and I am home when I reach my house in Clayton, are just not enough, I could be more appreciative.

I guess I never really imagine how life will be without the two of them.

I mean technically I still have Jeremy as my housemate when I am back to Melbourne, but I guess things will just be different.

Like the Guitar Hero, we just cant reach our high score without Joshua as our drummer.

Like we are already so used to being different. We already accepted we won’t find a birthday cake that suits everyone because we love things that the others dislike. We understand each other so much. I love cheesecake, Joshua loves chocolate cake. Jeremy hates both of them and likes Tiramisu. I hate Tiramisu. Jeremy and I like mango cake but Joshua dislikes fruit cake. Even if we have to settle for some normal sponge cake or something as a birthday cake, I am happy.

Cheese, potato, eggplant, lamb.. some of the stuff that we just cannot agree on, I love some of them so much but I find myself happily compromising.

I thank them for teaching me how to care for someone, because I truly care for them.

When I was out shopping I suddenly told my sister, ‘I guess they must have arrived in Singapore now, I wonder what they are doing’, and she said she never really cared what others are doing, or how they are doing, and if she asks she is just asking for the sake of asking.

If I was like her, I am sure I am not anymore. Maybe I still don’t really care about most people to the extent of wondering how they are and if they are doing good, but I definitely care about these 2 people.

The 2 people that will actually tell me the truth that hurts. The 2 people that will use their ways to help me through my problems. The 2 people that will actually confront me and tell me what they think and how they care, and ask me why I react the way I react, and try to resolve possible misunderstandings.

I guess that is what draws us closer, because I tend to not want to confront and talk about my feelings, especially when I am hurt, I will just shield myself and never trust the people again, but from how they wanted to talk to me, and talked to me, it removes the shield, because I cannot possibly build a wall against the people who I know care a lot about me. I really really appreciate the fact that no matter how awkward the situation is, they will always talk to me, because it is something I cannot do – confrontation.

Friends who can finish your sentences, friends who know what you are thinking just by sharing a look, friends who deal well with differences and accept you as who you are, love you for who you are but not what you do.

I don’t know when is the next time the three of us are going to be together at the same place again, I don’t know if there is a next time. Even if there is a next time, I don’t know if things are still going to be the same, that’s why I feel so sad.

:(

I wish it will be soon.

I love them so much!

Omg. I can't believe what just happened! I thought I was having dinner with William at le taj. When I arrived William walked straight to one of the rooms and I followed.

I saw a girl and thought William invited some other friends and was totally cool with it until a guy jumped out and yelled SURPRiSE!

I didn't even recognize him at first! It was Joshua. Until he hugged me I kept saying OmG, why the hell are u all here!

Until I hugged Jeremy, I couldn't believe it. It was so strange to the extent I didn't even recognize their faces because I never would have imagined that they will suddenly appear in Brunei!

They said they have planned this for ages and everyone knows they are coming to Brunei to visit me except myself.

I am so so so touched.

I was so sad and lonely for the past few days knowing Joshua and Jeremy are together spending holiday and I am in Brunei wasting time alone.

I can't believe I even thought they would not wanna invite me to spend holiday with them and was angry and hurt for one night a few months back.

I was so so silly.

Omg. It's so so sweet of them to surprise me once again.

I really love the both of them so so much.

Omg!!! Still can't believe it! I must be the most 幸福 woman on earth!

Monash Sleep and Light Research

(THIS IS SUCH A LATE POST OMG. I foresee it to be super long so I kept delaying and delaying and delaying and now it is 6 months late. I should finally blog about this.)

I added a category of things I would really want to achieve before I turn 21. It’s pretty much just things that I really want experience in my life, when I am still ‘young’ and ‘motivated’ and ‘crazy’. (Which is already removed now for obvious reasons).

I came across a Monash research about 5 months ago, seeking for healthy people with regular sleep to do a research/experiment involving controlled sleep and restricted sleep. They wanted to see whether light therapy works because medicine have their side effects. I sent them an email and was notified that I am a very suitable candidate. However, since I just came back to Melbourne from Brunei, they said I can only join 3 months later.

After 3 months, I got contacted again and agreed to do it, after a few meetings and information sessions.

I get compensated $400 for my time and effort, which is great of course. But most important thing is the experience.

So I am going to share the LONG experience here on my blog!

1. Blood test and health check up.

I am SO SCARED OF BLOOD. The blood test is the biggest obstacle for me and I took a few weeks to decide to go on with the experiment.

I thought, sooner or later I WILL have to do blood tests, why not do it now since I will be getting paid? Fine.

Luckily Tom was here at that time, and he went with me. Sadly he can’t even go in to the examination room, so actually throughout the whole time he just waited outside.

The psychiatrist was really nice but obviously the ‘medical officer’ doing the blood test is not very good. I told the psychiatrist I have a phobia for blood so he was trying to distract me by talking to me and asking me questions which require thinking, while the ‘medical officer’ did her job.

She tried the first time and couldn’t find the vein, so she suggested to take blood from my HAND instead, or she can try on the other arm, or we can walk to the pathology department where all the officers there are ‘experienced’ in taking blood.

It freaked me out – so she wasn’t experienced?

I asked her to try on the other arm first, and it worked. So I thought all was good.

After that I had to do a test for blood pressure, and before that happened I told her that I have mild low blood pressure, but when the result came out, my blood pressure turned out to be quite high.

It might be due to the shock from blood test.

And she did an ECG or EEG or something, anyway I was stick with electricity plugs at various body parts and had to be fully naked while she tried to examine whether my heart is beating normally. It was. No doubt. So she said I probably don’t have high blood pressure, which I already know.

Anyway, it was still quite an experience, I am still glad I’ve taken my blood now and done something ‘crazy’ before I turned 21.

After taking my blood, we went to Max Brenner to have some chocolate fondue, and I kept saying my arms hurt and it feels like something is cutting my arm, no one really paid attention, I feel like they just thought I was being too fragile.

This is what happened a day later.

And it got worst.

And worst.

Tom told me it shouldn’t happen, obviously the medical officer must be VERY inexperienced / negligent to have done this.

So actually, I thought of sending a complaint to their hospital and tell them if they don’t compensate me in some ways I am going to sue them in negligence.

Anyway, I still can do that if I want to, I have 6 years.

It’d be cool to test my skills before I graduate hey? But maybe I should wait until I finish Torts B and Evidence Law. Haha.

Anyway, enough of the law nerd talk and I have more ‘evidence’ below.

It’s really bad. It just got bigger and bigger, and more and more bruises everyday when I woke up. I felt so sad.

2. Wearing acti-watch and sleep regularly.

Aside from the blood test, some things I have to do prior to the actual lab sleepover is to wear an acti-watch (which records my physical activities) for a few weeks to ensure that I sleep at the hours they required me to. My shift is from 12.30pm to 8.30am everyday.

I also have to call them before I sleep and after I wake up, and fill in sleep diaries, and so on.

3. The actual SLEEP OVER at the lab.

It was actually really torturing and fun at the same time! When I started I just went into this dark room and can’t really see anything. They told me I will be able to read a book but the light is quite dim. It is actually far darker than quite dim. They taped the lights with black tapes, it is dark to the extent that when I was eating I can’t really see what I was eating.

Anyway we did a lot of simple tests to test my reaction, etc. And I was only allowed to sleep for 3 hours that night, so before that there was a fixed time to watch movies, play games, etc.

Initially I chose a chick flick kind of movie, a romance comedy, I have forgotten the name, thinking I will stay awake throughout, but when you are tired, nothing is funny. So I guess the people could see from the CCTV that I was sorta falling asleep, so they kept sending people in and talk to me once in a while and asking if I am ok.

Then I said I wanna change to another movie, and I chose a war movie, I also can’t remember the name, but this movie was MUCH better. It is quite dramatic and managed to make me VERY AWAKE. So I wasn’t sleepy at all anymore, and they still sent people in, just to let me know that I was doing very very well.

Most torturing thing is when I want to use the loo, because I am connected with so many wires and stuff I need to tell them if I want to pee, and they will need to disconnect everything, etc.

Oh and also I can’t drink water whenever I want to. That’s a pain too.

And those saliva samples…

I had to chew on this tissue thingy to produce some saliva samples, and they need it to be QUITE moisturised, but before that you can’t drink any water, so I really felt like I ran outta saliva!

The tests, some of them are quite fun, and some of them gets really boring after a while, I actually fell asleep a few times the 2nd day while doing some of the tests, lol..

I can’t remember much anymore, seeing this is so long ago. But I definitely had fun! I was very well compensated/reimbursed financially too.

:(

I came back to Brunei yesterday. And last night i really feel so home sick, or city sick, and I really wished I was back to Melbourne.

It is just a constant feeling that I cannot explain. I mean everything is well taken care of here. What is there to complain about?

I dont understand myself.

Tom said maybe I am just not used to it yet and after a few days I will be fine.

Or maybe I am just freaking out and Brunei and being here is just being associated with dentist, health check up, blood test, losing weight and financial arrangements..

I feel so tense and heavy and it is so hard to get through every minute, even harder without proper Internet.

好想你

第一天的事情我不记得了。

你没有提醒我。可能你也不记得了吧。

第二天的事情你记得吗？

我没有提醒你，可是我还记得。

我好想你。

可能我想念的是我幻想中的你。可能我分析错了。

我想念你的霸道 - 霸道地只要我一移动你就紧紧抱着我；霸道地一定要我拼命喝水；霸道地不允许我一个人自己喝酒。

我想念你的坚持 -坚持在别人发现我喝醉之前要我回家；坚持我不要和你们去不三不四场所。

我想念你的细心 - 细心知道我喝了多少；细心地第一个发现我醉了；细心地无论是拐是骗都要拿到我的电话。

我想念你的观察 - 观察我喜欢的和不喜欢的，观察我的状况，观察我的表情。

我想念你的拥抱 - 好久好久的拥抱，直到我回家躺在床上，在棉被里，都还感觉的到的力道。

我想念的亲吻 - 不容拒绝，但是不强迫。

我想念你的凝视 - 不知道什么意思，叫我打电话给你；不知道什么意思，你这样看着我。

我想念你的依偎 - 突如其来的环抱，突如其来的依偎。让我觉得你不是大家眼中的你。让我感觉到无论大家对你的评价多么差，我还是愿意相信你。

我想念你的聪明 - 无论怎样我都吵不过你。

我想念你的孩子气 - 逼你喝水，你皱眉告诉我，你逼我喝的时候我也没喝。我告诉你我喝了，把杯子逼向你口中，你皱眉地喝了一点；想念我们靠在一起讲别人的坏话；想念你要报仇的口气。

可能我想念的是我幻想中的你。。。可能我分析错了。

如果我这么想念你，怎么忘了你呢？

2011 – 2012, 2012 -

It’s the last day of 2011 today. I am not happy, not sad, I am slightly vexed (probably the period cramps) and in a generally good state.

I thank everyone in my life for making my year 2011 a great one.

Thanks to all my friends who have believed in me so much. Like I always say it is very very lucky for me to have people who believe in me more than I believe in myself. When I see the confidence in people’s eyes, it makes me stronger, and makes everything more possible.

Thanks to all my family members who have been supportive throughout, and always there to hear me out (while complaining about the long distance calling rates).

Thanks to Tom who have been nice to me, for everything that we have been through, I believe it will make both of us stronger. I will always remember all the good memories.

Thanks to the barristers who have taught me so, so much in 4 weeks, in so many ways.

Thanks to myself, for living 2011 to the fullest.

I can work harder, and I will, next year. But I must admit that I have worked a lot harder this year than the year 2010. I am stronger, more cheerful, and a lot more brave, too. I am proud of what I have achieved in 2011, although not all of them will appear in my CV.

In terms of 2012, I have a few expectations and goals for myself:

1. Lose 10 kgs before the first half of 2012 ends.

2. 75% average minimum.

3. Exchange to Sheffield University.

4. Be more confident and more sociable, blend in more.

5. Get a casual job that I will enjoy.

6. Be able to ice-skate.

7. Be able to ride a bicycle.

8. Be able to swim.

9. Generally be a happier person.

10. Get a seasonal clerkship.

May all of us have a happy and exciting 2012 full of love, dreams and fun.

How do you feel when you’ve just woken up from a dream?

I always have a gush of insights, inspirations, new emotions and awareness.

It is like life is energized again, in either a positive or a negative way.

Sometimes, most of the time, I wake up feeling like I am a stronger person that I am aware of. I feel like I can handle all these, and I don’t need to be stubborn and not let go.

Why do I want?

To own him? That things work how I THINK they should be?

Are those reasons good enough? Maybe not. Sounds like I just want to WIN, win the game.

It is also like a kid wanting to have that new toy that the parents will not want to buy. The kid knows that the parents aren’t willing to buy, so she keeps trying to push it. She uses all methods and tricks, she cries, charms the parents into it, be a sweet daughter for a few days, etc.

Once she gets the toy she wants to get, she might not even want it that much. She will then put it aside and add to her ‘collection’.

I am always like that, which I shouldn’t be.

I should just relax, keep all options open. Embrace whatever that comes.

Then I will feel happier.

If everyday I want FIXED things to happen, and need them to happen to feel like life is good, then I am wasting life, and not doing my interesting life any justice at all.

So I have to relax, give myself time to think – why do I want things to happen when I want things to happen? Do I actually LIKE him the way I manifested to the outside world? Or is it just me WANTING this piece of collection/toy and just want to WIN?

I am sure I think he is quite perfect. That’s why I am sure I can love him if I want to. But how much do I know about him? Lol.. Back to the conclusion, keep many options open and just enjoy life while see how things work out. I don’t need to definitely REJECT or ACCEPT certain people and make a decision after a very short period.

:)

I am so happy that I am single again. I never thought I’d feel so light, so free of burden. When I am walking on the streets, I walk with confidence again. People start to flirt to me again and I don’t have to feel bad about it anymore. People start looking. I immediately feel like I am 5x more attractive. I’ve lost weight. Everything is good.

Life is good, as long as you feel it.

My plan till new year:

27th – Lunch with friends; Dinner with friend.

28th – Free at the moment.

29th – Dinner with friends, ice skating with friends.

30th – Free at the moment.

31st – Possibly hot pot with friends, subject to me getting that magical call. HAHAH. Sheesh.

1st – Free at the moment.

2nd – Free at the moment, though someone suggested clubbing. Probably have a lot of packing to do.

3rd – Will be doing all those admin stuff during daytime, dinner with friends.

4th – FLYING BACK TO BRUNEI.

5th – Kathy Chai to curl my hair.

6th – Probably going to see dentist.

Feel free to fill my schedule! :)

猜我们後来有没有再见

他们猜我们後来有没有再见离席了才会晓得怀念
突然我记起你的脸那触动依然像昨天
对自己我终於也诚实了一点
是不是回忆就是淡淡柠檬草心酸里又有芳香的味道
曾以为你是全世界但那天已经好遥远
绕一圈我才发现我有更远地平线
我们都没错只是不适合我要的我现在才懂得
快乐是我的不是你给的寂寞要自己负责
毕竟用尽了力气也未必如愿总是要过去以後才了解
突然我记起你的脸爱不爱不过一念之间
绕一圈今天的我能和昨天面对面
我们都没错只是不适合亲爱的我当时不懂得
选择是我的不是你给的明天自己负责
给昨天的我一个拥抱曾经她不知如何是好
若我们再见我会微笑
谢谢你谢谢你我嚐过爱的好
我们都没错只是不适合我要的我现在才懂得
快乐是我的不是你给的寂寞要自己负责
我要的我现在才懂得选择是我的不是你给的
幸福要自己负责错过的请你把握

If my brain were to talk..

You are being very dumb, and you are being very stubborn.

It is good to be persistent, it is good to never give up, but it always depends on the context.

I know he might tick a lot of your boxes and you just feel that he is so amazing, so awesome.

That is because you are still so young. You haven’t seen a lot of people. You admitted yourself that after 5 years, you won’t even want him anymore. He won’t even be good enough anymore. Isn’t that clear enough?

Why do you want to insist on investing feelings on him when he obviously doesn’t call back?

There can be a lot of reasons behind not calling back. Yes he could be expecting you to call. He could be very eager, if that’s the best scenario you can think of. But what is the fact? The fact is he hasn’t called, and probably am not going to call. The fact is he might be, and most probably will be, flirting around with other girls, more attractive than you, more ‘useful’ than you.

Just because you ‘feel like’ you see him as someone more than he manifests himself to be, so?

Just because you have a heart, you have a soul, it doesn’t mean he will appreciate them. The fact is he probably doesn’t.

I know you are very confused.

I know you don’t want to have any regrets. But what can you do?

You cannot persuade your ego to let you make that first move.

You don’t know what to say anyway, and it has been a week.

What can you do?

I really hate you being like this. You are a bright girl. You are very mature, very independent, you know what you want. You have been doing well, until you decided to be silly, and almost, if not already, ruined your reputation in the industry.

Look at the big picture.

You are the tiger, I know you want a lion. I know you are not satisfied with those elephants, giraffes or even, leopards out there. Right now you want a lion, and ‘right now’ is the most important stage of your life as you won’t know whether you can live past tomorrow.

But, like what Jeremy said, if you want a lion, be a lioness. You are a rabbit in front of him. You tried to be a tiger, he acknowledged that. But still, in many ways you are a rabbit.

And now you have a chance to be a tiger, or a lioness.

Let time make you stronger.

Be more perfect. Be slimmer, be prettier.

When you show up again, you will shine. You won’t be following his shadow everywhere. He will be doing that. More than he was already doing. Clearer than ever, so clear that you will be able to feel it.

Be the girl that he WANTS to pursue. Be the girl that he will think about. Be the girl that he wants to call.

Not just be a girl that he is interested in, or attracted to, and waiting for you to come to him in case you are interested.

I hate you. Why are you being like this?

You get a heart attack every time your phone rings. It has been a week. You get a heart attack every time someone drives into your garden. You get a heart attack every time someone knocks on your door. WHAT THE HELL CHIAW YEE? Do you SERIOUSLY think he will be the prince charming and come surprise you?

LOL.

Maybe first thing he can do is surprise you with a call?

It’s not a fairy tale.

It feels like one, it does, because of your crush, for 3 weeks and suddenly things seem to be rolling forward.

Do you realise your conflicting wish every time before you go to bed? Do you realise how ridiculous it sounds when you say, ‘I really know we won’t have the kind of relationship I want, but I wanna see him again before I leave. I want to see him but I won’t do anything with him, but I want to enjoy and be happy and I promise not to be greedy and won’t ask for more.’

How conflicting does it sound?!

Sheesh.

There must be a reason why ALL YOUR FRIENDS, EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM, ask you to move on.

Don’t draw analogy to the situation of Tom’s, because it is slightly different. At least you know Tom loves you. You FEEL IT. It’s not just an instinct. You know it for a FACT.

You’re so much stronger than this. You can’t let a guy dominate your life like that.

Do you notice what a wuss you have been this week?

You’ve lost your shine.

Everyone dislikes you. Everyone is sick of his name from your mouth. Everyone HATES how you look like a teenager. You’re not anymore.

You notice how funny you’re so scared to use the word ‘love’ because you persuade yourself it is at most a crush, and love is too strong, because you are scared once you start to use that word you won’t be able to let go.

I know how you don’t want to let go. I know you can if you want, but you don’t want because you still have some hopes.

So, I compromise and let’s give it a try. 5 more days.

Promise that you are going to focus on your long term goal of being a more perfect, attractive lady after 5 days, if there is still no news. You can still be childish, aim to make him regret. That’s fine. But don’t jump at every phone beeps.

I know there aren’t a lot of lions around. I know how you think he is so perfect. But really, he is not. You just ignore those imperfections and see him as a perfect person. It is ok in many cases, but not ok if he doesn’t treasure you the same way.

Be brave enough to move on. There will be another lion, somewhere.

不想当笨蛋

在听到敲门，冲出去的那一刹那，我真的感觉到我的愚蠢。

我知道他知道我住哪里。但是他真的记得吗？为什么我一直觉得他会出现？

根本就是不可能的事情。如果他要来的话，早就来了。至少会联络我吧。

都5天了。很显然的，我高估了我自己。就算他那天真的很喜欢我，不论哪种喜欢，都可能只是因为酒精，或者根本是玩玩的。

我知道我们本来就只是玩玩的，但是我以为，至少他愿意跟我玩。但是，可能只要是女人都可以吧。

所有的朋友都给我同样的解释，不约而同的说，除了忘了他，我不准有其他选择。

但是，为什么我就是听不进去？

因为他太有魅力。因为他太迷人。因为他太完美。

我知道他不是个好人，而且很危险。我亲眼看过。但是他对我这么好。。

就像我从小就觉得，如果要嫁给一个人，一定要嫁给撒旦。因为天使对大家都好，而萨坦是恶魔，只对我一个人好。

所以，他就好像是从电影里走出来的人一样。

我的朋友说，电影都不是真的，如果从电影走出来，就代表他充满虚伪。

他帅，有钱，住在全墨尔本最高级的住宅区，事业有成，对情感又这么老练，当然会善用他的优点，让女人沉迷。

是吗。。。

可是为什么当我们靠在一起，有几秒，我感觉到另一个他。不是轻浮，不是挑逗，而是想要依偎的内心。

可能我想太多了吧。

但是，做我自己不好吗？

无论朋友之前怎么反对，我和Tom不是也好好的过了3年，让大家跌破眼镜？

我知道老天是很疼我的。只要我坚持的，我都得到了。从小到大都一样。

但是，可能和老天一点关系都没有，是因为我的坚持，别人没有的坚持。永不放弃的坚持，让我成功。

但是，现在我连自己要什么都不知道。我很空虚，很无助，很害怕。

---

就像如果你在看电影，在高潮的时候，朋友们都说，接下来会跌倒谷底，知会越来越糟。不如别看了，这样才不会难过，离开吧。

你走得掉吗？

错的人

明知道爱情并不牢靠
但是我还是拼命往里跳
明知道再走可能是监牢
但是我还是相信只是煎熬
朋友都劝我不要不要
不要拿自己的幸福开玩笑
但是做人已经那么累
假惺惺的想要逃
在爱里连真心都不能给
这才真的真正的可笑
爱得太真 太容易 让自己牺牲
太容易让自己沉沦
太容易 不顾一切 满是伤痕
我太笨 明知道你是错的人
明知道这不是缘分
但是我还奋不顾身
但我相信有点可能
可能 在爱里面这样算笨
可能 永远没有所谓永恒
但是我 不愿放弃这里面一点点可能
宁愿笨也不想要悔恨

I am the best thing he can never have.

I really want to thank a lot of people (almost everyone who knows this incident) for making me reach this conclusion.

Especially the one who smashed my head with a hammer – Dr. Tang (nickname).

Her FB msg to me after I told her my resolution:

YOU ARE WAY too good for him and you deserve someone who is going to VALUE YOU sincerely. You want that guy/ man to EARN YOU CAT. YOu owe yourself that respect-to your your mind & your body and you will get over this little girl fantasy crush phase/ hurdle because I want to see that confidence and strength in that Catherine again, who marched up to the Law school dean's office to implement what she believed in and what she feels is right and hers. You need to keep on remembering that cat and Remember, under no circumstances, can anyone take advantage of you in the wrong circumstances. (…)

Thank you so so much, for spending 3 hours on Skype with me, for patiently listening to my story and kept reinforcing your views again and again and again and being 100% frank and not beat around the bush.

Also, thanks to Tristan and Joyce for listening to my whining no matter what time of the day.

Thanks to Wansien, Miki and YenLu for always being there.

Thanks to my sister for warning me not to do anything dumb.

Thanks to Jeremy, Joshua and Gabriel for attempting to protect me and care for me enough to seriously stopping me from doing anything dumb.

Thanks to all of you.

I know at times I am stubborn, I really don’t like an ‘ending’ and I keep trying to push my luck. I know that.

But I know what to do now.

I really have to weigh all the benefits and consequences and make a rational decision.

No matter how much feelings I feel for you, I should not ‘shit where I eat’ (quote Tristan).

No matter what, if you are not going to treat me right, you are probably not worth my anything.

If you do care, even slightly, you’d contact me.

Even if you do, it won’t be enough and you’d have to show sincerity, which I know you cannot.

So from now on until mid next year, I have plenty of time to improve and enhance myself, so that the next time when we see each other again, at the same venue, I will be stunning and shining so much that you will regret.

You will regret.

I will be the best thing you can never get, not the 50th, or 500th girl in your ‘conquered list’, because I am ChiawYee.

I still have feelings, but no way am I going to compromise.

This is driving me crazy

I hate playing mind games. I HATE IT. I used to be very good at it, I used to win all the time, because I didn’t use to care THAT much.

Yes, in this kinda mind game, if you care, you’d lose. It’s all about who can hang in there longer, and make the other one suffer to an extent they don’t want to wait anymore, and break the ice.

I HATE THIS.

Of course I care more than him. I am not a player.

But seriously, why can’t we just grow up and stop playing all these stupid mind games.

Maybe it is games like this that makes life fun and exciting, but right now, right at this second I’ve had enough.

I hate waiting. I am impatient.

Especially I hate waiting blindly when it is full of uncertainties.

I don’t even know what is going on.

我怎么会被你吃得死死的？

I know this is probably not right. EVERYONE said they will support me in whatever I decide to do, and ALL OF US know this is not going anywhere and is ultimately just a game, so ALL OF THEM would rather I not waste time and energy on this asshole. If I have to, ALL OF THEM warned me not to put ANY emotions into this.

But can I?

I feel a bit sorry for him. Has he lost the ability to love? Does he not want to love, or he cant find someone that makes him want to love? Either way I feel so sorry for him. Because when you get satisfaction at such shallow points, are you really satisfied?

This is not to say I am in love with him, I am not. I am just having a crush. A crush that should fade and will fade.

But I don’t want to let it go to an end at this stage because, I am not that sorta person who won’t persist till the end. If I know the ending of the movie, I will still stay in the cinema, because I just want to watch how it ends exactly, and maybe sometimes I will be hoping there is either a Part 2, or the reviewers got it wrong.

Silly, I know.

I wasn’t drunk.

The only reason why I didn’t stop you from misbehaving is because I am having too deep a crush, I simply can’t.

I thought I can just keep everything to myself and shut my blog for a while, for fear that if he googles he will find out something. My ego won’t let me contact him first, and my ego won’t allow him to see my blog, all these feelings. No.

But, maybe I overestimated myself. He wouldn’t care enough to google. Lols.

And I have to blog, because I need to. If I don’t rant it all out, I will suffocate and die.

If I can go back in time, I will still choose the exact same path. I will choose to allow myself to have a crush, I will still choose to accept her suggestion and go drinking, I will still choose to be whining here.

I am not a person who will regret any of my decisions.

However, it would be good if you can end all my waiting, asshole.

飞蛾为什么要扑火？

如果知道结局只会伤害自己，哪有人这么笨？

有的。

有些人觉得，人生很短，青春很短，想爱就爱。

可是，后果是什么？

这样真的可以吗？

如果我们5年后还会遇到，一起工作，是不是会很尴尬？

如果他到处宣传，对我的名誉是不是会很不好？

我知道真的是不对的，可是我好像克制不了自己。真的很想放手一搏。

怎么办。。。

但是，他真的喜欢我吗？

Close this down?

I am actually contemplating to shut the blog down all together, alternatively, I will just use my chinese name on this blog so when people (like future employer) type my name in search engines they won’t be able to find this place.

It’s not like I am ashamed of myself or there is anything to hide, but maybe they just don’t need to know all these things about me.

I was told by so many speakers, including those from Uni and law firms, that we have to protect our image online, manage our good reputation, if not set it to private so no one can see it.

At the same time, considering that I haven’t been blogging for months now, I begin to feel like my heart is strong enough to just swallow and digest thoughts. I am strong enough that I don’t need a place to rant anymore. Or am I? I don’t know.

In terms of memory, how many times do I actually read my old posts anyway? Less than 5 times a year. Since I also scrapbook, those photos will be in my scrapbook. I also upload statuses and photos on FB. Sigh but I just think it is not the same.

=/

What do you think?